It’s been a long while since I sat down and just wrote. Lately my blog has been more photo-driven, which as a photographer is probably a good thing. As I’ve discussed here before I often wrestle with myself about how much to share in words, and how much to write about my images. As I’ve navigated these past six months in particular I find I often have more words than I feel like I can put to paper, and at the same time too foggy a head to do anything with them. And to be honest, that’s somewhat true of the images I’ve made as well. I have so, SO many sitting on my computer at this very moment, and a handful of rolls of film from nearly a year ago that still need developing. But most days it’s hard for me to even wrap my brain around where to start to organize them, and what to do with them.
When life began to seemingly unravel back in March, I held it all together pretty well. The introvert in me didn’t really mind staying home, and the girl who says yes to way too many things was relieved for the break. Even through cancelled plans and a slower spring portrait season I never really felt too blue. The stripped-down summer brought some much-needed simplicity to our lives, as well as a bit of relief from the pandemic and the barrage of bad news surrounding it.
And I had Autumn to look forward to. Between the weather, the changing landscape, the apple cider donuts, a birthday, Thanksgiving, and time spent celebrating families and friendships it is always my absolute favorite time of year.
But as we headed into the season I began to feel an anxiety creeping in that I didn’t fully expect. I came to the full realization that homeschooling would occupy an even larger amount of my time and energy than I had anticipated. That the pandemic would mean a season usually filled with people would be filled with fewer people and from a distance. That bad news about the virus would begin streaming in again. And over all of it hovered the dread of the election and its aftermath. Eventually the heaviness of it all began to pull me down. The velocity at which I can go from feeling peaceful and hopeful to feeling overwhelmed with the state of things is dizzying, and a bit numbing.
Then I look at the photo above. It was taken exactly one week ago, late in the evening as we sat up watching the election coverage. And it sums up, perfectly, why these past few weeks in particular have been difficult. The gravity of our current situation, all there for me in this one image. Looking at it feels like both too much to bear, and at the same time the reason to keep fighting through it all to get to the other side. The reason to work to make sure that the other side is worth it.
I know this moment will eventually pass. I know, despite how it often feels, that this isn’t forever. But I also know that right now life feels hard, and that’s ok too.
So tell me, how are you holding up?